Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
