He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
