My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Randomize
