i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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