How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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