All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
