dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
