I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
