someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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