Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
