I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
