k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
