I just pynch a tree in the face
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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