it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
