it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
