i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
