I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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