Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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