I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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