I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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