You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
