I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
