I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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