please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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