currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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