I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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