I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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