Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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