Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
