she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
