So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
