thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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