Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
