remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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