toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
