the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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