Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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