do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
