She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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