there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
my liver is dry heaving
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
