A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
