The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
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