i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
