The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
