Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the day after is always just damage control
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
