My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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