I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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