Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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