Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
