R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
